I'm Finally Getting Them Alone!

Today I actually met with one of my informants individually as opposed to the group thing I've been doing. It went so well, and my first informant wasn't the one that I knew the best or was most comfortable with, so it was encouraging that it went well and I'm looking forward to meeting with the rest individually.

My first victim was Stephen.
"You know how they say, 'don't sweat the small stuff?' Well, I sweat everything." -Stephen
The place that he chose to show me as his "space" was actually the room where we have youth group. He picked this room because it's the only place he really feels safe and like he can be himself. There's really nothing material in the room. He talked about the couches that line the walls. There are five and none of them match. One wall is splattered with different colors of paint and there is a border at the top of the room...it's the hand-prints of (almost) every kid that has gone through the youth group at Berlin Baptist. He likes it because it is a symbol of all of the people who have been there before and that it's like they all left their own personal "mark" in the room and in the church. I was trying to get him to go a little deeper about why he chose the youth room, but those were the main things. He likes that it is 2 hours of the week where he is away from "everyone else." He likes the people in the group and says that he can just let go and be himself. And he said he believes that nothing bad can happen in a church and that's another reason he likes it. He doesn't really go on the computer much, or have anywhere where he can be real without being majorly judged. He feels "safe" at youth group.

Now, the thing with Stephen is that he's gay. Which for me, makes it even more interesting that he chose the room in the church as the space he feels safest and judgement-free in. Since the room basically consists of a bunch of couches and a chalk board, it didn't really take him any time to tell me about the things that stood out for him, so we spent about an hour just talking. He talked openly about being gay, a guy he was interested in, and how his mom found out through a note she found that was written by that guy, and is in complete denial about it. She makes comments to him about how his dad would fall over dead if he knew and that the girl down the street would be a good match for Stephen, and that he's "ungrateful" (as if he's doing this to hurt his mom in some way). He was clearly upset and frustrated with the fact that these comments keep coming from his mom. He said that he's in enough pain and turmoil without her doing that, and it just makes things worse.
He goes camping in the summer with his family and he told me how he "came out" to his friends there and how they were so accepting of him. Not like here. Here the kids found out through one bully shouting it to the class at junior high graduation, and no one was very accepting, and everyone felt the need to make jokes.

He shared with me about how before high school he had no idea what depression and anxiety were, but with the arrival of his freshman year both of those words became known to him and are essentially what he is on a daily basis. Anxious and depressed. He attributed this to making new friends and establishing new relationships, and leaving old friends behind. The friends left behind don't like the new friends, and they get mad causing "drama." He said that losing friends makes him depressed, and knowing that old friends are mad at him makes him anxious. He also has an incredible fear of the school bus, so his mom has to drive him to school every day.

The final thing we talked about was his suicide attempt last year. I won't get into those details, but despite everything, he's glad that his attempts failed.

Tomorrow, I meet with Beth after she gets home from school. She'll be showing me her room.